my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
