we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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