im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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