Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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