Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
