i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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