Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
