Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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