Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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