Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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