Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
