just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize