you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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