yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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