Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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