i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
