so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize