If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
