We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
