i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
