I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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