sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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