i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
