I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
