Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
