I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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