Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
