If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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