Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
