i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I need water and some morals
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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