Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
