Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
