dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
