I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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