the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
