went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
