My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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