This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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