I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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