We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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