Jerry, you need to find god
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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