you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
