when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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