That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
