my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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