dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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