Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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