I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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