I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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