I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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