I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
false alarm. still invincible.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
