I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Two words: blizzard sex
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
