Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
