One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
