I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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