the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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