I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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