your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
