oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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