I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize