Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
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