You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
